all

grasping love

2012-01-20T13:00:00.000-08:00

a decade or two on
and still this knawing desire
of wanting to love
and be loved

7 years single and fear has stopped me from love
its too dangerous
to put my heart in someone elses hands

especially if my family
is saying let him go
he's not right for you

i dont want to get my heart
ripped out again

but im drawn back after each fight
for a kiss
a moment of being seen and adored

but is that love?

Am I just a heart wrecker
or a love throw a way

wheres the security
of a gentle man
a connected man?

morphing away

2012-01-13T20:56:00.000-08:00

another year of myself

all your fears

2011-12-20T22:02:00.000-08:00

Mr Hayday - Beyond 2000 from thomas gleeson on Vimeo.

dont ask

2011-12-04T02:52:00.000-08:00

dont ask me to get up
dont ask me to do anything more for anyone

a peice of my soul ransomed because i was bored, lost and fk knows what
lying dead inside
a weekend numb

why arent my seedlings growing? she said

you want to know why?

why dont i value myself?
my growth?
my journey?

fk if i know

after all the work i do
i collapse when a pirate wants my treasure

and then im left alone
with myself, with my fuckn self

crustation comfort

2011-11-30T14:11:00.000-08:00

im wanting to turn into a crustation
a creature of the sand and surf

how many summers can i count
the lonely heat of a beach
the hiding in the sand
the heart aching from being unloved

how many summers can i remember
where i longed for fun
i kept myself isolated
as to not get hurt anymore

and now
another summer approaching

ill be a bronzed crustation in the sand

but with my kids
and my widowed dad.

thats enough love for me.

God has never acted Cupid, and i hide so well as to find love

so love i have is that which nature has blessed me with.
thankyou nature

I am blessed.

white stag

2011-11-15T00:53:00.000-08:00

You, think You, can tame a creature
to follow you?
and why?
just because you love and want what you see

no

A cat or a dog may show affection if you feed it
but a wild stag takes skill,
time with patience, gentleness and sincere mirroring

this white stag is free and powerful to love

you dont even come close
to knowing or wanting to search the depths of another creature

back off and leave me be

your just polluting the air with all that pissed off firing

pause. reflect

2011-11-08T01:15:00.000-08:00

just blending in
my surroundings are shaping me
as I am shaping them

dozing adrift

life isnt as important anymore
no rush or race to find out what my purpose or reason for existence is

just being me

harmony

leaning into life.

a good life.

2011-10-30T23:21:00.000-07:00

My mum passed over yesterday.
taking her last breathe was painful to watch.
only took a month, from diagnosis of cancer till she died.
too soon.
too soon.

She was exquisitely beautiful
and had a life to match.
she left a legacy.

I'd like to get married now,
I'm not afraid of my love dying

id like to have a chance to love like she did.

and a wedding like this

release

2011-10-18T14:46:00.000-07:00

want this for me and for mum

to get out of the tangles that restrain us

and dance

live

mummy can do

2011-10-17T01:35:00.000-07:00

praying with Jenny: Do what only you can do: Jenny asked me to post this song that has been ministering to her today. I'll take my cold, cold heart I'll take my unrenewed mind I'll...

75 childs

2011-10-17T00:43:00.000-07:00

a fellow 75 child

birthday soon.
mums got lung cancer.
last month she was chippa
sux.
terminal.
prayn for healing and takn up smokin.

the odds - she's never smoked.

random
unfair
dismayed.

faith?
miracle; i know God can.

who am i to ask? discarded faith for my own life.
dissapointed in Gods lack of intervention. still. yet God is still able. still Love.

and im still solomumstressedhungryforlove.

lifes a b*tch- for lack of a better word, bad word that one.
its a b*tch then you die. mums life hasnt been a bitch, so she wont die just yet.

I have the privilage of acting mental tomorrow, for an assessment on post modern dance. studying simone forti, i just have to click into what i already can do, aimlessly rant about my view on this beautiful yet unfair world and where God is or is not fitting.

brilliant.

slow healer

2011-09-30T16:32:00.000-07:00

from within, within me

2011-08-31T00:40:00.000-07:00

feeling some joy

within

relevant to nothing external

just in the knowing'

of myself

in the thankfulness

and realisation

i no longer need to be confused

i am journeying away from the camp ive known

and the journey is so hard and painful

but i am alive

free

unbound by God or man

i am living, if only a little part

i am

i cant contain myself

2011-08-16T22:27:00.000-07:00

keep on trying

2011-08-01T21:52:00.000-07:00

running for the hills

2011-07-07T00:38:00.001-07:00

Ive let go of the only man whos loved me right and true

a man with a strong solid love

im not scared,

am i?

It seems so natural now to let all things dear go. Letting go seems far easier than keeping,

the cruel nature of life has taught me how.

why give up and end all the struggle now?

is my journey better than the destination,

or maybe the destination has changed.

live well?

2011-06-27T02:55:00.000-07:00

gluten intolerant, eating white bread and pasta all week!
I feel like a bloated piece of unsubstantial space consumer
i must
eat right
live right
be whole
take the time, and stop giving into consumer capitalist shit
and then wonder why i feel like a piece of worthless unattached from nature lazy sinner who indulges in her impulses.
FOCUS.
eat right.

slow movements

2011-05-30T19:14:00.000-07:00

i Lovely Love my process

i .... ... who i instinctly am

i ... ... my lot

and i ... .... the photography in this link, filmed in Brazil, love Brazil.

i ... ... film

i ... ... movement

i ... ... story

i ... ... peace

my process brings me peace.

if only

2011-05-29T21:31:00.000-07:00

im off to see you when i can, play hacky sack and possibly bear witness.

2011-05-11T00:48:00.000-07:00

Identity as performative

2011-05-06T20:36:00.000-07:00

"There is no being behind doing, effecting, becoming; 'the doer' is merely a fiction added to the deed - the deed is everything." - Nietzsche 1887

dont want to disappear

2011-04-22T03:32:00.000-07:00

face
my trauma
face the past
embrace my shadow
live primal rage
free myself from these restraints
stand - walk -fly
live present in my life

coward II

2011-04-21T22:49:00.000-07:00

prozac coward still alive

2011-04-21T22:44:00.000-07:00

caged within
the veneer of 'me'
- the natural order

filled up 'em wells
to those other worlds

no more living now

only
this is cold

the dirt in the wells
looks cold

thinkin to dig
but then i am frozen still
and its too hard work
and risky..

the nightmare
the confusion is gone now.

coward am i

to stand numb

to bury my sore soul

my heart always sings this song

2011-04-19T01:06:00.000-07:00

a poem

2011-04-16T04:34:00.000-07:00

my son going to an arts programme..

2011-04-16T04:27:00.000-07:00

my son is going to an arts therapy programme and soon to be attending another programme, help him to get it all in order all ok to be him. i need to see him, not just be his caregiver, but the rage gets in the way.

squandered life

2011-04-09T23:34:00.000-07:00

For the first time in a long time

i wish to die

or feel i already am (nb:not suicidal! on the Meds!)

walking in the school gala crowds

numb alone lost; sad

years still the same

others can seem to move on but me;

years of internal misery have left me empty

i walk past familiar faces from five years through kindy and school

but have been too sad or depressed to talk to;

my potential friends in life are not.

I have squandered my life on sadness

oh wish it was something else like food or a loving spicy relationship

or being an artist something to show something to remember anything but this

isolating unproductive, soul destroying

endless sadness.

weary silent screeching

2011-03-28T00:51:00.000-07:00

sad.

then i read of children being kidnapped and taken to cocoa fields to pick beans for our cheap chocolate.

we buy a pick me up,they are abused and have their childhood stolen.

this world is fkn sick how am i supposed to breathe in it?

or even think bout my pitiful sadness?

justice is like so hard.

just attempt to fight a small fight its fkn hard.

fkn hard to speak up for the opressed..when capatalism shouts louder. rage. my saddness stems from rage.

started smokn' again..

its not even a smiggen of vent for my rage.

metamorphis

2011-03-23T23:55:00.000-07:00

tiny steps of endurance

are paying off

the mundane has a silver lining

in that;

it changes when we change.:)

prickly hurt

2011-03-13T00:52:00.001-08:00

things are getting a little prickly

im still unsuitable

i still have to stand strong amongst childish accusations

im noticably sad

the cafe barrista noticed i was sad

now i cant stop wondering

how sad i am

angry at cupid

2011-02-26T01:36:00.000-08:00

stuck
scared
fro-ing
with
without
hope
love - what are you?
could you come so free and natural?

how do i move on
how do i believe in a love that could envelope me?
i cant stand alone as an isolated island, scolded for its harsh conditions

those in paradise in love
are so lucky

im tempted to imitate it
or conjure it up
but its not upon me

i feel it deep inside
where im not even seen.

love i hate you
for your void and your torture on my life

'worthy?'

2011-02-05T13:27:00.000-08:00

mildly angry
flabbergasted
judgements sting, but thankfully not as intense as they have.
I like myself, cant change my journey, it is mine

but the recent unrealistic judgements of my character ...'we don't know if she will be a good representation of Christ to the community', well its got me.

this insightful judgement/query..is the most recent spoken of my new
involvement in the 'pass it on' centre that my beloved women's group
has started, based out of the local church,
its got me thinking..
i know i haven't fit into church being a; runaway battered wife, a mother of two fatherless boys, and also a women who stands for the grace of Christ, empowered truth and the strength of woman.
but after attending and and being involved in and struggled in a church for 3 years, i thought people would just get over me being different and see my worth, but obviously not for all, which is fine..cant change that..

but how is one to represent Christ anyway..?
strange question..
and what community are we talking about?
Christians..no..
the kind of people who need second hand goods and food.
and why is a single mother not a good representation?
or is it the fact i struggled and shared my struggles, and these
are not confidential or even understood.
or is it the fact I'm a saint who struggles with her humanity, ie. sins like the rest of us..

if i am not a good representation of Christ to the marginalised in communities..
then someone else more worthy should volunteer to take the job, sorting through second hand goods and
befriending the poor..
oh wait..
that's right..

good for you

2011-02-05T13:14:00.000-08:00

'I dont let my kids do that'

good for you

good for you

you - who are two loving parents, with their love tanks full, disciplining their children.

good for you

day breaking

2011-01-12T11:45:00.000-08:00

(in my sleep i dreamed this poem)
someone i loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand
that this,too, was a gift

-mary oliver

blurry

2011-01-12T11:41:00.000-08:00

sedated

balanced

comforted

medicated

adored

...

still no wings

thoughtful

2011-01-07T01:45:00.000-08:00

over

2011-01-07T01:26:00.000-08:00

floating

content

life is no longer sour

time

thankful

what to gripe over?

when dramas of the heart

are being ignored

its only drama

clearing my soul till nothings there

2010-11-19T19:20:00.000-08:00

rather

is it a choice?

the black and white

the struggle to remain objective

i have to be in control

to know

so i cut and sort

and judge and box

and let go

i cant afford to let go

i have let go of so much already

anxiety..you suck.

127 Hours Movie

2010-11-19T18:59:00.000-08:00

Dont give up

127 Hours Movie Trailer, Video Clip Preview – Flicks.co.nz

shallow breathing

2010-10-23T17:45:00.000-07:00

dazy hazy
sleep
forgetful

this heart is half alive
unmet

but told 'its nice to wake up next to you'
shouldnt there be more than cuddles and coffee
the odd passion along the endless scurry.

im so sad
i want to sleep away my life

with or without i am still a wandering willow
i have not found love or inspiration

just life
to share

is that enough?

ocean swallow me up
the tension of knowing that i should wake up and swim for love and a deeper life.

this doesnt make me angry anymore

2010-09-21T14:50:00.000-07:00

spring

2010-09-17T13:52:00.000-07:00

Spring is making me smile

as i pull the blinds the sun, a different sun, pours in

its not a winter low sun that heats the face

this sun is clever and light it warms your soul

seeping in thru the tops of the eyes

directly into the hearts belly

hope

of one with nature

floating in the pleasant air

hiding behind clothing membranes

barefoot among the meadows

Today is good

2010-09-09T21:51:00.000-07:00

the burn

2010-09-09T03:13:00.000-07:00

the burn

loving other blogs

2010-09-09T03:06:00.000-07:00

monday quote

friday 13

2010-09-04T17:25:00.000-07:00

on a stormy black friday 13

up the coast at a sawmill

there was a selaktaz party

i found myself

an artist at the party

I sat in the corner and wrote a poem

then tried to paint it

and now there are pictures

of a poet on friday13 dressed in black tights and pink slippers

revival

2010-09-04T16:52:00.000-07:00

On a rainy day along Carrington road

pages of a Gideon had been ripped scattered

and stampled on around the bus stop

as i walked on by

i grabbed two pages

saving the sacred

put them in my hand and aired them off

then placed them in my journal

when i opened it up

i circled words that stood out to me

and put away for another day

i reopened weeks later

to find a nation had been birthed

from rice paper and ink

a map of my country

fell on the floor

Guard Pacifics triple star

God defend New Zealand

uniform project

2010-09-03T22:52:00.000-07:00

In last post; 'kumara bra' I was inspired by the girl guides breast cancer awareness campaign of breaking the world record of bras back to back.

And now Ive stumble across the uniform project
which is using fashion as an exercise in sustainability and a fundraiser to support causes like sending children to school in India.

I'm seriously considering to take on the uniform project, I have listed and will get onto making the uniforms and wearing them in November.

Excited? not to wear a uniform for 365 days - it'll be like school again!
but I'm looking forward to the exposure of the causes close to my heart, one being 'the girl effect', motivation to daily do something, my dedication to something bigger than me and most of all the practical financial contribution towards the cause. I cant get over there and work at this stage of life, but i can at least start contributing and no doubt have fun looking like a stylish dick doing it.

a kumara and a bra

2010-09-03T01:53:00.000-07:00

the story of a kumara and a bra

In the local Rodney Times rag at Matakana a month ago, i saw an article about the bra chain being run by Dargaville girl guides. they have raised 14,500 unwanted bras and store them in a kumara packing shed near Dargaville.

The story struck me, and i decided to use the article as source for a poem and multi media piece involving a handmade vintage bra I found at the Matakana Op-shop to gain awareness of breast cancer. You can read about the cause at kaipara rag , stuff , scoop and all about bra collecting at girlguides, and follow their progress on their facebook page where i've posted on the wall about

'a kumara and a bra'

It really is a great joint effort from kiwi girls.

'a kumara and a bra' multi-media poem, ink on fabric

Hidden kumara bras

unwanted

collected

cancerous`

Fourteen thousand aware

the girl at

Dargaville

she guides the postie

end on end

To Africa

Haiti

Pacific Isles

cast off!

collect and chain

raise up

that mighty breast

Breasts and Vaginas and all things of Wahine Love

2010-09-03T00:19:00.000-07:00

I Dare You

2010-09-02T20:21:00.000-07:00

The Girl Effect

2010-09-02T20:13:00.000-07:00

a fine example of the power of words and multi-media to start a global movement

e l f / s

2010-09-02T19:17:00.000-07:00

Grand ol' question; who am i?

'the self'

the projected self
the media self
the ego self
the child self
the angry self
the lover self

confusing

I over analyse this self
until i become an inflated self
with clear substance of this 'self'
but what else?

what can self achieve
what is self
but to nurture self

i spent so long
escaping self
and devaluing self

its all been focused on
positive or negative view of self

the self is the core of our identity
whether we acknowledge it or not

now God has gone from the inner cognitive self
i am left to find self
and to balance self
with love, God, ambitions, reality

i hope the season of self ends soon
and becomes a natural process
in daily expression

no fear of self
or loss of self

my core connecting to my self
then living out of self

and being in self

and ultimatly be.

grand
plan

personalise

2010-08-26T19:06:00.000-07:00

cyberspace random textual interludes

and go

woes

2010-08-26T02:51:00.000-07:00

flunking my ballet assessment

mothers loosing children

failed

displaced

unable

stupid rain

dam memory floods
id move
if i had a penny
to the hills
and faraway from rivers

if only i understood
why they dont

my woes
would be their dreams

what to write about when one must write

2010-08-25T00:26:00.000-07:00

sweet surprise someone

2010-08-24T22:36:00.001-07:00

you come into my life

when spring is about to be sprung

the winter days of cringing at the cold

despising holiday'rs who come back from heat

and then it all ends

and i end up hot and colourful with flowers in my hair

seasons

of sweet surprise

and solemn solitude

seasons

that is all they are

embrace everything

why avoid the seasons

heating in winter to sauna levels

escaping the cold

air conditioning in summer

dont

see goodness in minor sensory displeasures of the seasons

its the seasons that reminds us we are alive

there is heat there is freezing

and seasons that keep us alive

they remind us of the constant circle of life

of our frailty and our flourishing self

the fantastic magic man

2010-08-20T13:40:00.000-07:00

Those who have seen and not feared

have tried to enter my sacred space

all get burnt
none have entered

but there seems to be a man

who has dropped into my life like magic

a spirit fire man

who dares with blind faith to enter

the ring of fire around my heart

sam winston

2010-08-20T04:13:00.000-07:00

made up a true story

stephen,

2010-08-19T00:05:00.000-07:00

sad
in life
too long
the dark knight
my soul
lost in life
without
sweet
gentle
love
His
glory

such hope

I cannot utter

phenomena

2010-08-18T14:46:00.000-07:00

a good poem is like a swarm of butterflies

some words take you up to the sky

some words gently settle on you

the affection of never to leave

sail on

2010-08-16T21:32:00.000-07:00

the ships

ocassionaly find this bay

some anchor for a week

a day

an hour

most are on the hunt for treasures

pirates at best

not willing to learn the language

or understand its people

onlooker ships

they get scared by storms

desire the refuge of harbour

buy they have unrealistic

expectations

that everything will change just because they've temporaily anchored

build a hut

be apart of the way of life here

discover its mystery

or go on by

you unwanted ships

you are nothing but an

interval in time

and i dont even take

interest anymore.

How To Be Alone

2010-08-16T01:40:00.000-07:00

An inspiring powerfully uplifting FILM-POEM, very fitting for my blog.

"there is heat and freezing

be a testament."

odd glove

2010-08-11T22:23:00.000-07:00

greatly misunderstood.
sucks.
angry
at being misunderstood
people believe what they feel suits.
i suit
what they believe.
why do i give a dam?
i want to travel away
with a man
and no longer be seen as
the scarlet women
with wild children

Lime Crime

2010-08-11T00:05:00.000-07:00

blogging ...

' L i m e C r i m e '

Lime Crime is my Portfolio A, Multi-Media Assignment/4. Creative Blog.

I will be attempting to experiment with options of the assignment in my blog postings. Just seeing where it leads..carrying on the journey of text in media.

1. Words with visual media; clothes, picture books, chapbooks.

2. Words with visual art; graphic novels

3. Spoken word; sound peice

4. Words in electronic medium; blogging

5. Public theatre; Score a public event and perform.

6. Word installations in public places

7. Multimedia documentary.

So, watch this space for more of the usual textual expression coming at ya.

I would welcome any feedback on my postings...dont be shy..;)

Ms Blanchett. x

dusty decade

2010-08-07T00:11:00.000-07:00

Angry
at hope
at loneliness
at isolation
at needing a conversation per day

bastard at best
is life

yet another man
in a relationship
leading me on

sick
of being seen as nothing more

talk about a decent man drought

witches and wenches and wonderful winter days

2010-08-04T21:40:00.000-07:00

compulsive liar

green, I labelled her
opposites but somehow attracted

both eccentric and lonely

in and outside the box

i was told that she feels uncomfortable with me in her presence

and so she should

she lied about me, a damaging malicious exaggeration

A pious meddling deviant of sorcery

the queen in her own drama

I, servant peasant girl of course

I'm angry

she wanted this, before it all happened
endlessly declaring what she thought of me

always about to be struck of the best friend list..

i was an idiot a lonely idiot to be friends with a toxic wannabe tyrant.

everything i shared was up for critique, gossip and judgement and continual dissecting

i was a fool

to friend a witch

just as she thinks I'm a wench

what was i thinking? the lonely isolation had made me mad enough

to withstand a friend who endlessly put me down

I'm glad its over all her witchery, past lives, sexual repression and lesbian come ons

i don't need this drama in my life
i feel hurt because i allowed her to know me
sharing far too much

ammunition in her insecure game
acting like what she always thought

she's far better than me.

arch

2010-08-03T01:54:00.000-07:00

moulding into an arc

the city keeps me

stretching from A

lengthening to meet B

body bound

boom

the pavement

i hit

no 'one' has me

i am

and i am moving

Isao Tomita - Debussy : "Arabesque n° 1"

2010-07-27T23:50:00.000-07:00

ditto

2010-07-15T04:33:00.000-07:00

'what i fear more than death is solitude' Edith Paif

the last station

2010-07-10T23:08:00.000-07:00

I went to this film alone today

The last station(2009)

maybe not such a hot idea.

I had a twinge of 'Oh God, i have to go home alone to a cold house after this!' but hey, I'm grateful i can even view such an amazing film, and have a house even if it is an icebox..I even thought about making film again..

I laughed out loud at the recognisable virgin prudence of James McAvoys' character, Valentine.

I cried at the sadness of countess Tolstoy, wonderfully played by Helen Mirren, of loosing the affections of her husband.

It was a great film, but the kind you should have a lovers arm to hold through - that would make it powerful.

. Stuck in a rut of solitude rather than a rut of a marriage, i have been to more films alone than with a man I'm sure. Thirty five and single, I should have known better than go to a romantic film, better luck next time.

Still - i enjoyed it, I hope to grow old with someone who loves me and understands me, I guess we all do.

it all

2010-07-02T01:11:00.000-07:00

watch; let it all

i just want someone to wrestle it out with

someone to squirm, shout and run too.

but they get scared
at my scorpio passion
and leave me alone
to bite myself

to death

all my love left in the dark

2010-06-17T23:10:00.000-07:00

beautiful song by 'Florence and the machine'... explains where I've been for so long.

"A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart"

view the clip here.

glad to be floating free

2010-06-16T08:24:00.000-07:00

I am up at night angry..

angry that i shared
that i spoke my heart
to Christians
to friends
to bystanders

for they judged me and if they did not stab me right where it hurts , they walked away and became indifferent, without even risking any depth of truth from their own soul to be known.

they label me and refuse to let me change
i shared my struggles
and now I'm always a struggler
i shared my sins
and now I'm always a good for nothing sinner

i shared my sadness
they forgot that
i shared my dreams
they were unable to comprehend them
i shared myself
they have now belittled that

so glad I've found myself a happy hermit!
no immediate need to have anyone close again

no struggling to be understood,

try my utmost to guard the sharing of my life;

casting my pearls before swine has been the

only thing i regret.

its a secret treasure
to find myself
and I'm beginning not to critique myself
but accept with grace
enjoy my own mind
my own soul free from intrusive hands

i am truly free
on my own
flying solo.
It's just the memories of hurt
that give me no sleep
and the fact I have no lover to calm me down.
but I have me.

and to all those people who once knew me, judged me and read my blog.
go away.

my thoughts make up me, the universe within a universe

2010-06-09T00:35:00.000-07:00

thinking of the end lately
very dark
my heart actually physically hurts
im not afraid
its not time
it will be wonderful to meet Jesus
it will be wonderful to have no pain
i grit my teeth and soldier on
half way there...
if only i could catch stardust
and hold it in my heart
i think thats what ive always wanted..to have stardust.
where on earth? a moment or two of joy and completeness.

Tho, you walk through the valley of shadow of death
i am there..
"thanks God, however, the pain things a bit of a drag tho.."

alas ,

2010-06-05T23:35:00.000-07:00

Alas, my attitude has shunned friends
the condition of oneness and loneliness has confronted them somehow
my coldness from having no intimate friendship misguides them
a responsibility to be humane, perhaps?

its sad but true
i cant stay happy for their sakes; having fun and jolly on my own. I dont expect them to be sad for me or sad with me, just be would be great.

this indifference rips, i am not able to take their insensitivity.

It's clear, i am not having the time of my life
i don't moan my days away, I'm just real and things are slower
so yes, maybe, they should disappear into the ether if the mundane
of an independent yet lonely woman has no intrigue for them
they will and have found friends who are shallow in happiness and coupled up with love

They don't lose sleep, they are happy, so why do i squirm? why do i find transitions hard?
Maybe I'm a different friend than most, its a human life thing for me, maybe most people are so afraid of being alone that they fill it up with people and lovers and if I'm not what they want they want, well..
..so they're not real friends, unless they find themselves single and lonely and come knocking at my door. And im there..but after they are not there for me again..well, I cant let them in when they knock again, for they didnt befriend me when i needed it most.

so the pain and lonliness continues,

alas.

http://independentmum.blogspot.com/

ignorance is bliss

2010-06-01T19:15:00.000-07:00

passion has its price

2010-05-28T14:12:00.000-07:00

I watched a movie last night Before the Rains.

why isnt love enough..?

why cant two escape?

is the destruction of passion too great

and love not always truth?

reason, logic and the right thing often opposes love.

Mt Eden Dubstep (HD) - Sierra Leone

2010-05-24T21:23:00.000-07:00

conservatory life

2010-05-23T23:55:00.000-07:00

for a while now

ive wanted to live in a glasshouse

to be embraced by a conservatories warmth and its frozen water walls

to have tropical flowers inside

and natives outside

to live in nature

protected by a frame only.

this image made me smirk

someone else feels the same

and like me with not much money

made their own out of windows.

All i need now is a small patch of land to erect it on

and a little dosh for windows

and a hammer hand.

no love anger

2010-05-19T15:03:00.000-07:00

friends give cold shoulders and insist on being judge

- the ice cuts my back

man friends love then judge then attack

- dagger jabs me quick

Its an icy winter

when friends and loves chose to become strangers

the problem;

i am honest and no one believes an honest person- its too easy.

i am open, and people delight and draw near then critique when not asked too.

avoiding there own problems

for they are too well hidden from themselves and others.

someone who is free

they despise

someone who is true

they want to find fault.

What mask should i wear to combat the coldness of this world?

what haven do i have when i have no one i can trust not to hurt me.

i have myself

but all i am doing today is reeling at the conceitedness of others.

the ice is painful to bear

i want to yell abuse

but that would please them more

i sit in a library typing my blog

with not a soul who cares where or who I am.

I am free.

secretly in despair.

without a care and without a friend.

basics

2010-04-25T20:48:00.001-07:00

To say that I am made in the image of God is to say that love is the reason for my existence, for God is love. Love is my true identity. Love is my name.
If therefore, I do anything or think anything or say anything or know anything that is not purely for the love of God, it cannot give me peace, or rest, or fulfillment, or joy.
To find love I must enter into the sanctuary where it is hidden, which is the mystery of God.

Thomas Merton

the impossible move

2010-04-04T01:15:00.000-07:00

thirty years too late to start

dreams are free.

reflection #1

2010-04-03T20:04:00.000-07:00

hitting 35 this year
finally myself again
sifting the effects of being a product to my environment
choosing to change

who am I

what do i want to be

i already am

who am i being

nurture and nature

beginning and end

i am free

i am me

God is true

life is short

but long enough for all we need

2010-03-14T16:57:00.000-07:00

Dear pod

There you exist so unique for this season
I will never leave you
i am
then where are you?
camouflaged in the shade
is that really you?
did you catch that glimpse of me looking at you?

stand tall on the mountain so i can see you
swim naked in the ocean so i can feel you
why are you sitting there playing helpless?
why are you standing mute?

I want to live with you and breathe deep
i crave madly to feel you, to love you
bursting with anticipation to run with you
don't stop
why sleep the days away in a daydream?
see me and love me too

I am here
be with me, wild, in your face and free.

yours always,

- Lotus

forest nymph

2010-01-04T22:05:00.000-08:00

feeling the need to BE nature

to lay amongst the moss

touch earth

and breathe its winds.

The forest nymph within

but takes a couple of days to emerge

to wet her feet

and let down her hair

and climb a mountian bare breasted

indifferent

2010-01-01T19:01:00.000-08:00

sensuality
a 'stumbling block' ?

why do the insecure reveal their own denied feelings openly?

i cant stand christian culture..i only ever loved Jesus, Gods love and Grace.

oh, i long for freedom

freedom to be comfortable in the house of God

away from projections, control and perverted desire..
all i want is what God has for me..

why do others want more?

all up to me

2009-11-29T19:26:00.000-08:00

my life comes down to my choices

will anyone ever chose to chose for me?

my days are long and lonely
and those who could chose just take
will anyone know me enough
to chose for me

God
the religion i held once did..but i am growing up
the Jesus i adored..once looked out for me, we held hands.

now im independent - im glad but some days, like today, i miss the security of a love to lean on.

i miss resting in the bosom, like Ilsa telling Rick :' you chose for the both of us.'

im exhausted and wheres my hero? does an independent women who choses to mature, save herself and know herself ever have a hero?

Jesus my love, hold me

love find me

or i will rest on someone not worthy and that will rape my soul.

or i will just continue to trust in myself..bitter lips..shutting my heart again to survive. jealous of all women who smile from the contentment of a love supporting them.

fk.its tiring and i cant even afford to get tired, because its all up to me.

the plan to catch a man

2009-11-18T15:10:00.000-08:00

if only it was this simple

heavy

2009-11-04T00:10:00.000-08:00

had the dream again
the one where i lay on the beach
waiting for the tide to come up over me

wanting to gaze into deaths door
wanting to see
if there is anything else worth living for

Overtaken
grief for lost love
imagined, believed, hoped and dreamed

all i wanted was a lover this year and i didnt have one
a boyfriend

while the world thinks I'm some sex addict

little do they know i don't have sex much at all ..its funny..the good single church going people get more sex than me..and yet im shunned as a sex addict..because of my own disturbed notion than having a sex drive was a disfunction...i should have been a nun..truely..i missed the boat.

but fk im too in pain to want to go there.. an nun or a church going person with a boyfriend..or a husband..or anything..i dont know how or where i could love..

this women is too fragile and nobody seems to care

i cant die at my own hands
been there and decided to hold on

but i just need more in life to get me along..
the beer makes me depressed and the cigarettes sick.

think i might be perpetually stoned all summer
but that might mean f*ckn a drug dealer
and ill probably get attached and used up again, so wont do that.

To tired to even destroy oneself
spose ill just stroll through another year
depressed, numb, lonely and indifferent..

but each year it gets more tiresome
each year i get less able to care
finally im scared.

sleep my soul

2009-11-01T20:55:00.000-08:00

sleeping is my new friend.

avoiding the real ones.

i finally approached the wonderful man of my dreams, gave him my number...

but he didnt text. He's not thinking of me...it was all in my dreams.

was it my short hair? was it my personality? was it the children? didnt he feel the energy? it was something... the stupid question rings in my numb brain 'will anyone love me?'

"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep

because reality is finally better than your dreams" - Dr. Seuss

it hurts too much to hope for love

2009-10-31T21:54:00.000-07:00

Today, at my emotional rock bottom i cry and damn

the beauty of having a heart soar

for it is not worth the inevitable crash in the jagged rocks below

id rather walk the terrain of no mans land

than hope to take flight

love, it must be,

is not meant for me in this life

i will hope no more;

for more children

for a husband

for a lover

for pleasure and intimacy in my journey

just me

my kids

walking a lonely dusty road

Thankfully I am not the only one

I take solace in the millions of mothers

without husbands and fathers for their children

victim to predators

judged and misjudged

surviving

for their children

to live

Joining the millions on that road

is not giving up

it is not denial

it is not less worthy

it is humility

of a life; that is not full of blessings, graces and wonders

but a life none the less

and the creator of all sees and understands

may God feel love in the humility and strength of the destitute and broken hearted

may God see me

and may God receive me

beautiful summer looms

2009-10-25T12:34:00.000-07:00

summer project..

write a childrens book
about the little things..finding beauty in loss and courage alone....?

something to do..the feeling of summer looming with no lover, no routine just endless gorgeous days with an empty sad inside..the sun used to make me happy..it does..but a whole summer it turns on me and actually mocks my life of emptiness.

my mind is desperatly wanting to search for a lover online..a summer hook up..but it will only leave me more empty when they ditch me..passed over five times in a row these last months.
no love coming my way..and im not into giving it away.

so i think ill sit and write and draw..but in reality ill be looking at every man passer by.

surge

2009-10-24T14:43:00.000-07:00

hidden in shadow

and whoof

creative wind inspires my hope, lost dreams stroke my soul

..a surge of life encompasses my being for but a moment

that moments aftermath

can be felt for weeks.

why is love, light and creative inspiration so rare?

why am i hidden when I am

able to fly, soar and actually be free from the shadows.

season of winter is over but spring has yet to come.

intruding but not uninvited

2009-10-11T17:26:00.000-07:00

completely over being the girl trying to get the attention of a man who is not

1.available

2.deserving

3.honest

4. romantic

existentialism

2009-10-11T17:11:00.000-07:00

Existentialism

Ive been living a life with an existentialistic philosophy
lost
without a cause
except to find identity...

then you, my Jesus, talk to me in my sleep.
show me pathways in my mind.
show me what i can not see.

why?
silent for so long...i let go of you...you let go of me...i drift...you let me drift...to see
i am lost without you.

completely lost.

unknowing

2009-10-04T23:44:00.000-07:00

shipwrecked
by my own design

lunged myself into the sea of men
came out worn out

24 hours of lust
enough for a lifetime

moderation an unknown skill

this time its not going to work out.

no fairytales here.

reality not found in a one night embrace.

its not even a memory now
its almost a fable.
Jesus and me
husband and me...i wish i had had it once.
a man who loved me.
just once..so i new what it was.

2009-09-18T16:16:00.000-07:00

getting better at getting healthy

no thing

2009-09-18T16:08:00.000-07:00

now
no muse
no lover
no ghosts
no religion

all me

i look back on my journey in this walk and i see
i was too afraid to live
i was taught to fear everything that was not of God.
wisdom of the world was folly.
i needed to ask God
to guide me to teach me
why couldnt i teach myself?
why couldnt i make mistakes and learn myself?
what did religion actually do for me?

it defined me.
and that definition almost destroyed me.
i no longer need to be told how to live
i am learning to walk my own path
journeying towards my own truth

and Jesus, well ...im angry at him;
he betrayed our agreement or was it that he stepped back and let the church misinterpret christianity.

I am her. the unfaithful church.
on my journey to understand the scripture that i dont even recognise amongst the fearful or 'blessing my pretty life' idealogy of most churches.

God is Love

And living with a kingdom world view helps us to start to love like God.

so what is the kingdom of God to me?
defend the opressed, give sight to the blind, set the captives free.
and if we find ourselves captive..sometimes we set ourselves free!